Tuesday, June 28, 2005

To Send or Not to Send, THAT is the Question

As I sit here typing about what has happened in the past few days of my life, I am grateful to a God who loves me much more than I could ever think was possible. Yesterday, I had to do one of the hardest things I have done in a long time besides dealing with family tragedies. I was asked to drive our youth group to the airport to leave for Poland. This is a GREAT group of young people and I really wanted to end my ministry time at Southern Gables with this trip. As time came closer, I saw that God would not have me go on this trip and I have had to deal with this disappointment and the emotions of sending the group off instead of the excitement of going. It occurred to me that I have been on a youth missions trip every summer since 1996 and now I am the one saying good-bye and God bless. Wow! Was it hard!

On our way to Denver International Airport, I was in the lead van (without the trailer) and just few miles from the terminal, “BAM” the right rear tire blows out. I had taken van safety class several months before, so I knew what to do and came to a safe stop. It was God's hand to have me choose the trailerless van. Here we were, too far to have to kids walk with their stuff and too close to have the trip delayed. To make a long story short, the kids got off and they are in Krakow right now having a GREAT time. I was left with the van for the whole afternoon and got home around 5:30pm, tired, hot, but grateful to God and His hand of protection. As I waited for help, I got to write about the experience and work through my feelings of sending and not going.

I was not able to say good-bye to the kids or to the adults the way I wanted to. It seemed like God was tearing them out of my hands. Was I holding on too tight? I am not sure, but after 24 hours of rest and reflection, I am glad that it happened the way it did. I was only able to focus on the trip and getting the kids off and not on how I wanted to feel sorry for myself. My emotions were not important at the time and I know that I could have really sulked about not going. It is not about me, it is about God’s glory. My my emotions do matter, yet I can not demand that God does things according to my emotions.

Today I am okay with the fact that they are there and I am here. Okay, I am TRYING to be okay with being here and not there. I am trusting that God will continue to bring partners aboard and will get me to Poland. If it His timing, I would like to be there this fall.

God is an awesome God. He cares for me enough to allow me to go through tough things so that I will learn to trust even when it hurts. What a lesson!

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