I have been reading back through some of my entries and have noticed that I am so good in trusting God on paper. Do I truly trust Him in the practical, everyday life? I hesitate ever so slightly and yet at the same time want to shout, “YES!” So what is up the hesitation?
The deadline I set up for me to go has come and gone and I sit here in the Atlanta Bread Company (free WiFi) wondering why I am so sad about not being in Poland. Will I ever get there? When I am there will I wonder why I made this decision to go? Who am I kidding? I don’t have enough knowledge to do this. Maybe that is why there is a delay?
Maybe it is God’s subtle way of telling me that I am not to go . . .
Whoa!!!!! What am I thinking??? Where did all of the “I’s” come in? What is up with the doubting? I am seeing my problem. It is a perspective problem. My question should not be “Why am I not there yet, Lord?” “What have I done wrong to have you punished me by having to wait?” or even “Did I misunderstand your calling?” These are questions filled with lies.
The question should be, “What can I learn as I go through this process of trusting You?” If I cannot trust God through this process, will I be able to trust Him when I face harder times in Poland? I know that my time with god here in the States is not as it should be. My focus has been too much on getting to Poland and not enough on following my Lord.
I am use to an instant life: Email, chatting, ATMs, instant coffee, (whoa, no instant coffee with this woman!). When I want something, I can normally get it in a relatively short time. People are so surprised at how much I have received in such a short amount of time. I need to be content with the timing of God and not with my instant gratification.
I am sure this is a very normal part of all of this and I am glad that I am seeing it here while I am in my own culture and I can rectify the problem while I am not stressed out too much.
Plugging away and praying that God will grant me speed in fundraising and that He will remind me over and over that this is not my mission, but HIS. Money is just money, but my relationship with Him is priceless.