Wednesday, May 18, 2005

The Lessons I Learn Over and Over . . .

Sorry, this is a long one . . .

I think I could very well start every blog entry with, “God blew me away once again today.” and it would not quite explain my feelings or my thoughts about the God I serve!

I have had some very trying weeks emotionally. It is coming down to the wire here where the reality is coming to life in the fact that I will not be going to my youth group’s Poland camp this year. It is a hard thing to think about let alone write about. I have been dealing with some mistrust and frustration with God. If he really loved me wouldn’t he just bring the money in immediately to have me go where I could be of more use to Him? I have to stop and laugh at my arrogance and myself! So I am now too good to do anything in the States? Of course not! God does not need me for anything. He has chosen to use me in Poland for now in order to Glorify Himself. Not for me to go onto something “bigger and better”, or to build my ego, but His Glory!

This last weekend I was blown away by the love and support of my former youth group in the benefit dinner/concert they put on for my outgoing expenses. I don’t think I could ever fully express my gratitude for what they did for me. Over 200 came and a big chunk of my needed outgoing funds came in that one evening. I was so humbled and could not believe that so many cared so much for me or for Poland. My bad! The group ‘Some Kind of Hero’ did the concert portion and I was very pleased with all of it, except for my part.

I woke up Monday morning feeling embarrassed about how bad the video I put together sounded in the churches sound system. It sounded great on a TV, but the system picked up sounds that I had never heard before. I was so super sensitive about it because I felt that it was a reflection on ME! Hello! I woke feeling like a failure rather than grateful and praising God for what had just happened. That is when I came face to face with my lack of trust and faith and ultimately my own selfishness. I was then embarrassed about my feelings. Here I am preparing to go to another country where my faith and trust will be tested in ways I have never seen and I cannot simply rejoice in the provision that God provided through the love and support of others.

After I confessed these things to God and worked through my feelings, I saw just how subtle Satan was now getting in my life. He is no longer hitting me head one, but now in the areas that I have thought I was strong and okay in. Wow! What a revelation.

So here I sit completely grateful to those who gave sacrificially to the vision that God has for me and I wonder what else the evil one will have for me to fight before I leave. “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” is what Paul says in Ephesians 6 and I once again have experienced it and am more aware of his schemes.

Yesterday, I was still working through the whole disappointment of the possibility of my not being in Poland this summer and “Bam!” one of my fellow JVers (who just recently arrived in Poland) “Skyped” me and let me know that the whole team was eagerly praying and waiting for my arrival in Poland. I don’t know why, but it ministered to me and I once again saw how much God loves me and takes care of the little stuff. It seems that whenever I have needed lifting up, He does it and nothing or no one can get in His way!

So today, I am okay with the possibility of not being a part of the Zielona Gora, Poland English Camp. I know it will be hard to be here as they are there, but I do not want to be where God does not want me. It must be His timing and His way or I know I will not be at peace.

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