As I sit here typing about what has happened in the past few days of my life, I am grateful to a God who loves me much more than I could ever think was possible. Yesterday, I had to do one of the hardest things I have done in a long time besides dealing with family tragedies. I was asked to drive our youth group to the airport to leave for Poland. This is a GREAT group of young people and I really wanted to end my ministry time at Southern Gables with this trip. As time came closer, I saw that God would not have me go on this trip and I have had to deal with this disappointment and the emotions of sending the group off instead of the excitement of going. It occurred to me that I have been on a youth missions trip every summer since 1996 and now I am the one saying good-bye and God bless. Wow! Was it hard!
On our way to Denver International Airport, I was in the lead van (without the trailer) and just few miles from the terminal, “BAM” the right rear tire blows out. I had taken van safety class several months before, so I knew what to do and came to a safe stop. It was God's hand to have me choose the trailerless van. Here we were, too far to have to kids walk with their stuff and too close to have the trip delayed. To make a long story short, the kids got off and they are in Krakow right now having a GREAT time. I was left with the van for the whole afternoon and got home around 5:30pm, tired, hot, but grateful to God and His hand of protection. As I waited for help, I got to write about the experience and work through my feelings of sending and not going.
I was not able to say good-bye to the kids or to the adults the way I wanted to. It seemed like God was tearing them out of my hands. Was I holding on too tight? I am not sure, but after 24 hours of rest and reflection, I am glad that it happened the way it did. I was only able to focus on the trip and getting the kids off and not on how I wanted to feel sorry for myself. My emotions were not important at the time and I know that I could have really sulked about not going. It is not about me, it is about God’s glory. My my emotions do matter, yet I can not demand that God does things according to my emotions.
Today I am okay with the fact that they are there and I am here. Okay, I am TRYING to be okay with being here and not there. I am trusting that God will continue to bring partners aboard and will get me to Poland. If it His timing, I would like to be there this fall.
God is an awesome God. He cares for me enough to allow me to go through tough things so that I will learn to trust even when it hurts. What a lesson!
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Friday, June 03, 2005
It All Depends on Your Point of View . . .
I have been reading back through some of my entries and have noticed that I am so good in trusting God on paper. Do I truly trust Him in the practical, everyday life? I hesitate ever so slightly and yet at the same time want to shout, “YES!” So what is up the hesitation?
The deadline I set up for me to go has come and gone and I sit here in the Atlanta Bread Company (free WiFi) wondering why I am so sad about not being in Poland. Will I ever get there? When I am there will I wonder why I made this decision to go? Who am I kidding? I don’t have enough knowledge to do this. Maybe that is why there is a delay?
Maybe it is God’s subtle way of telling me that I am not to go . . .
Whoa!!!!! What am I thinking??? Where did all of the “I’s” come in? What is up with the doubting? I am seeing my problem. It is a perspective problem. My question should not be “Why am I not there yet, Lord?” “What have I done wrong to have you punished me by having to wait?” or even “Did I misunderstand your calling?” These are questions filled with lies.
The question should be, “What can I learn as I go through this process of trusting You?” If I cannot trust God through this process, will I be able to trust Him when I face harder times in Poland? I know that my time with god here in the States is not as it should be. My focus has been too much on getting to Poland and not enough on following my Lord.
I am use to an instant life: Email, chatting, ATMs, instant coffee, (whoa, no instant coffee with this woman!). When I want something, I can normally get it in a relatively short time. People are so surprised at how much I have received in such a short amount of time. I need to be content with the timing of God and not with my instant gratification.
I am sure this is a very normal part of all of this and I am glad that I am seeing it here while I am in my own culture and I can rectify the problem while I am not stressed out too much.
Plugging away and praying that God will grant me speed in fundraising and that He will remind me over and over that this is not my mission, but HIS. Money is just money, but my relationship with Him is priceless.
The deadline I set up for me to go has come and gone and I sit here in the Atlanta Bread Company (free WiFi) wondering why I am so sad about not being in Poland. Will I ever get there? When I am there will I wonder why I made this decision to go? Who am I kidding? I don’t have enough knowledge to do this. Maybe that is why there is a delay?
Maybe it is God’s subtle way of telling me that I am not to go . . .
Whoa!!!!! What am I thinking??? Where did all of the “I’s” come in? What is up with the doubting? I am seeing my problem. It is a perspective problem. My question should not be “Why am I not there yet, Lord?” “What have I done wrong to have you punished me by having to wait?” or even “Did I misunderstand your calling?” These are questions filled with lies.
The question should be, “What can I learn as I go through this process of trusting You?” If I cannot trust God through this process, will I be able to trust Him when I face harder times in Poland? I know that my time with god here in the States is not as it should be. My focus has been too much on getting to Poland and not enough on following my Lord.
I am use to an instant life: Email, chatting, ATMs, instant coffee, (whoa, no instant coffee with this woman!). When I want something, I can normally get it in a relatively short time. People are so surprised at how much I have received in such a short amount of time. I need to be content with the timing of God and not with my instant gratification.
I am sure this is a very normal part of all of this and I am glad that I am seeing it here while I am in my own culture and I can rectify the problem while I am not stressed out too much.
Plugging away and praying that God will grant me speed in fundraising and that He will remind me over and over that this is not my mission, but HIS. Money is just money, but my relationship with Him is priceless.
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