Thursday, March 24, 2005

A Stranger In My Own Country

I have been back home from MTI for five days now and I am wondering how life is to be now. I am not here and yet I am. I am in Poland, yet I am not. I am truly living a life of limbo and quite honestly, I am not very happy about it. Joyful, but NOT happy. It is hard to be one place and not fitting in any longer. I am already a stranger in my own home land. My mind understands this, but my heart is warring against my head! How is this manifesting itself?? I am irritable and tired. Smile, Alice, smile! ☺

I really want to be in Poland right now and I have so much to do before that time, that I am overwhelmed and just want to curl up in my bed and dream away. HA!!!!! Life stinks sometimes and the road is not always easy. I am in a rough part right now and that is okay.

My time at MTI was WONDERFUL! I learned so much about myself and what I need to do and Who I need to lean on as I have chosen to answer the call for a difficult, yet rewarding life. I must prepare myself that I may not see those rewards.

As time goes on, I will write more about what I have learned.

The unrest I am feeling is partially self-induced. I am putting so much pressure on myself to leave in May, that I am afraid that if I don’t I will lose heart. I am identifying this now so that I can pray against it and working on not leaning on my own understanding. I want to go in God’s time, but I must admit that it is easier said than done. As much as I am going to miss life here, I am looking forward to life in Poland. Then I know I will have moments there when I wish I were back here. Can somebody say, “Paradox”? ☺

This entry is full of unrest and frustration, I know. I want to share the gore of my heart as much as the glory of my heart.

Bottom Line: Even with all that I am feeling and doing, God is good and He will lead and I will follow.

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