So, how do you feel Alice? That is the question I have been getting all week! Not that I mind it, but honestly, I have gotten tired of answering the same question over and over, "Excited and terrified all mixed into one ball of stress!" Then I think about the fact that it is the first time that any of these wonderful, loving people have heard my answer and I need to answer each one as if it is the first time I have been asked the question.
I only have four days and a wake-up call before I change my home from America to Poland. I am both excited and FREAKING OUT!!!! Will I ever get all of my packing done? What if I forget my toothbrush . . . better yet, my passport or my international driving permit . . . or my clothes . . . or my STARBUCKS COFFEE!!!! Where are you Bongo Billy? I should have planned that one better! :)
As I allow you to witness my little freak out session, know that behind all of this stress is a very peaceful heart. Last night I was laying in bed and a thought came through my mind . . . "You don't really want to do this, why are you pretending?" Wow! It has come occasionally before, but I have always brushed it off as bad pizza or something . . . I even talked to a good friend about it.
Her question to me was, "Who's voice was it? Was it yours? Is this what you really feel? Do you really want to do this? You know, you don't have to do this."
I smiled and said, "How can I say 'no'? I ask God to open a door and He did! I would be like Jonah if I walked away from this. In my waking hours, I am so EXCITED! It is always just a whisper and then it is gone!"
We both then smiled and said, "Wow, Satan is a powerful voice!"
So here I was, last night hearing the same voice. What did I do with it? I opened my eyes and looked to the ceiling and said, "I am following You, Lord! I love the Polish youth! I know it will be hard, but I am willing." The voice went away. My heart was filled with peace and not with dread or the feeling that I have made a mistake or have not listened to God's voice correctly. I then went back to sleep.
Tonight, I write these words, my heart is breaking at the fact that I am leaving my family and friends, the kids I have worked with and have loved, along with life in the States, and yet it is also jumping in anticipation of what God has in store for me and my future.
I LOVE the line about Aslan in C. S. Lewis' book, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, "He is not a tame lion. He is not safe, but He is good!" That is my Lord is and the life that He is laying out for me. It is not a tame life that I will be living or a "safe" life. It could (and probably will) be hard, but defiantly, good. One that is a continuing adventure with the lives of youth. I have enjoyed my life working with the youth of my culture and now, I have the privilege of working with the youth of Poland.
Life worth living is never tame nor safe, but with God, is GOOD!